Tender Mercies

I've been thinking a lot about this lately and just haven't known how to write it down. So I may start rambling but I know I need to get it all out and it will be long.

When I found out I was expecting again, I had a million thoughts flood through me as I assume most 1st, 2nd, 3rd etc time mommies do. Will I be able to take care of this child? Where will this child fit into our family? How will Addie deal with this huge change? Am I ready? Can we afford this? As I was worrying about all these things another thought popped into my head. I can't do this. What if I hurt my legs again? What if the damage is worse than before? How can I handle a toddler and a baby without being able to walk?

Immediately I was terrified and started thinking of the worst possible scenarios. For those who don't know or don't remember, when I delivered Addie I damaged my femoral nerves in both legs and was basically paralyzed for a few weeks before I started regaining movement. The doctors had no idea what was going on and I didn't get back to 99% for a good 6 months. (I say 99% because I still am dealing with repercussions 17 months later and I probably will for the rest of my life.) I remember freaking out to Shawn about how I couldn't do this again. I couldn't leave Adalyn without a mom to be able to take care of her properly. I was terrified. Shawn is such a wonderful partner to have because he is so calm and is able to calm me down. He said he wasn't worried. I had him give me a blessing and here is where tender mercy number one happened. The blessing that my worthy priesthood holder husband gave me was one of the sweetest blessings I have received in my life. I wasn't promised that nothing would happen to me but I was told that everything would be okay. What ever happens, it will be okay. I felt such peace after that blessing.

A few weeks after the blessing, I was still concerned with what would happen. I kept going over my options. C-Section or try vaginally again? Epidural or no? I couldn't commit to anything because each had its pros and cons and nothing seemed to fit perfectly to what I need to avoid damage again. The fear started to set in. It felt like no matter what I did, I would lose. One day as I was stressed about the whole situation I had the prompting to google my condition. Now I did this 2 years ago when I first damaged my legs and found nothing. It seemed like I was alone. No research, no testimonials, no nothing. But I tried again. And again, nothing. Or that's what it looked like at first. Finally after scrolling through a few pages, I found a thread of someone talking about damaging their femoral nerves. It wasn't even the main topic of the thread but a random comment someone had made. I got so excited. Then I noticed another comment farther down the thread which told that person to check out a yahoo groups website. I quickly clicked into that link. I then found that there was a secret group on facebook of other women with femoral nerve damage after childbirth. After looking through a bunch of  posts I found someones name, looked them up on facebook and friended them asking if I could be part of the group. Within a day, she accepted my friend request and added me. Tender mercy number 2.

I spent hours over the next few days pouring over the posts that these women had made and reading their stories. I cried. A lot. Each story was different and yet so the same. I was not alone. I now have 70 other women who have been through the same thing I have. Our stories range from happening days ago to happening 8+ years ago. We are from all over the world. But we are no longer alone. Our recoveries are all pretty much the same and it was so nice to see that I had a bunch of women to ask questions to and to relate to. Tender mercy number 3.

I asked them if any of them had gone on to have another baby after their damage, what they did and if they had nerve damage again. Some went naturally, some had epidurals, some had c-sections. And yet NOT ONE person had femoral nerve damage again. Most compare it to winning the lottery twice or getting struck by lightning twice. Yes, they had decisions to make and they needed doctors who were aware of their situation and were willing to work with them and make sure that they were careful. But they all were fine. No more nerve damage. Tender mercy number 4.

I was feeling much more optimistic about life. I had my first doctors appointment about a week after I found the group. I went to my appointment feeling informed and feeling like I knew what I wanted to happen. Now to see what my doctor thought. It was the best appointment. My doctor listened to me and we made a game plan that both he and I were comfortable with. I know I will be well taken care of at the birth of this new little girl. Tender mercy number 5.

I now have zero fear of delivering. I will be okay. Yes my birth may be different than others. But it will be that way so that I can protect both my baby and me. I need to be the best mother I can be to both of my girls and I now feel like plans are in place and that the odds are in my favor. It has been such an amazing journey to go from feeling so alone and so scared to having a community of women behind me and feeling so optimistic about my future. I am grateful for subtle promptings and tender mercies from my Father in Heaven. I would not be where I am today without them.